Jake Ryan?! He's a Senior and he's taken. I mean really taken.

I know, I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything here with substance. Much less, posted anything good. Hopefully this post will keep you at least mildly entertained (I know writing it helped me get through work... especially when the computer didn't want to save my original version of this beginning (stupid work computer. Hate. You.) and I had to re-write the first few paragraphs. Just be aware that this, not as funny as what I originally wrote, it was perhaps the best opening ever... but now it is lost an gone forever, and this is just a tribute).

Writing up Sixteen Candles has actually been fairly difficult for me. While I love the movie so much, I hate doing work, even if it is voluntary work. Because, let's review: Turk=lazy, I heart my bed, and last write-up = too much work. I am attempting this time to be a little more reasonable in my movie posting. I am going to try to strike a balance between my love of the movie and wanting to share that love with people and they OCD insanity of the last movie post. At the same time I am going to try to have a better split between recap and review. Please do not think any changes in format or what I do or do not include here reflect my preference for The Breakfast Club over Sixteen Candles. That is just not true. Sixteen Candles is definitely in my top five movies, while The Breakfast Club would probably only be in my top 10. It may not seem that different, but believe me, it's the difference between a 1967 Mustang 500E and a regular Mustang. They sound like they could be the fairly similar but they are totally different. (Although if any one wanted to buy me either one I would never complain.)

Hmm, everyone may not get that reference, what is one that normal people would understand? Okay, okay I got it. It's like the difference between Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby, that perfect blend of salty and sweet, and Low-Fat Frozen yogurt, a good replacement if your trying to lose weight, but it is just not the same.

So try to remember back to your sixteenth birthday, or really any "milestone" birthday. Maybe you had a party, maybe you just hung out with the 'rents , maybe you had an exam (yes, I'm looking at you 21st b-day and O. Chem final), regardless of what you were doing someone wished you a Happy Birthday. It was acknowledged in some way. Now imagine if your parents and the rest of your family forgot it. This is what happens to Samantha Baker. She had dreamed of her Sweet Sixteen since she was 12: a big party, a band, tons of people, and a Trans Am (it's no Mustang, but I can't really fault her there, Mustangs in the '80s were not cool). None of her family remembers.

Now, my family has actually has some experience in this. We may have accidentally forgotten Elaine's birthday once, sometime in her teenage years, I'm not sure which one. Well not so much as forgotten it as poorly planned for it (we ended up shopping for her b-day presents after her b-day dinner). Whoops.

Anyway back to Samantha. Her birthday morning ruined she ends up school unprepared to take a "sex test" she didn't study for...Huh, wha? How did she plan on studying for a "sex test" with questions such as "Have you ever done it" (Her answer: "I don't think so"), rather than, you know, actual test questions, but I digress. Of course in this "test," where she also names who she would do it with if she ever does it (Jake Ryan), ends up in the hands of someone other than her best friend Randy. The test does however make it to Jake.

Samantha's humiliating day does not end there.... she now has to face the bus dorks.

I never really had to ride the bus in school. I mean I rode the bus in high school, but a) all girls school and b) Cincinnati public bus, not the traditional yellow school bus. This movie (and Ferris Bueller) however has provided me with the mental image of school bus insanity I will always carry. Dorks with jock straps and laser guns, a weird girl in a neck brace, a kazoo band, and Farmer Ted. This is our first run-in with FT as he tries, in vain, to spark Samantha's interest.

Finally at home, Samantha believes her day is starting to look up, her grandparents have invaded for Ginny's wedding; surely, they wouldn't forget her birthday, they live for that stuff (I don't care if in the actual movie they say shit, after watching it for a decade or two as "stuff," even knowing that is not what she is really saying, I just can't actually hear shit in my head). This maybe true for smaller families, but I was always lucky if I got a card from my grandparents. Needless to say at this point, since I think you can see where this movie is headed (hey I like the movie, but I never claimed it wasn't predictable, it is a teen movie from the '80s be glad it is not as raunchy as others), not even the grandparents remember her birthday. And to top it all off, her grandmom feels her up and she will be sleeping on the couch due to the addition of a foreign exchange student, Long Duk Dong, that came with her grandparents... ah this is the birthday nightmares are made of.

Samantha gets out of the house as soon as possible, albeit with Long Duk Dong, to go the "New Faces Dance." (What the hell kind of dance name is that?)

This just isn't Sam's day, once again she is intercepted at the dance by Farmer Ted. He is trying to and avoid losing his bet of 12 floppy disks to his dipwad friends (awww... look at John Cusack, cutie-patootie-head-nog-nog) by "bagging" a babe. The proof? Underpants. I guess underpants, because one can assume if you can get them you can get into them? No way you could just go buy a pair.

After some awkward dancing Samantha makes her way to shop class (at least what I assume to be the shop class, do they have cars in shop class? I usually associate shop more with wood crafts) to wallow in her general disappointment in her birthday. Never one to give up easily Farmer Ted follows her.

Surprisingly, they end up having a fairly good conversation, that is after a slightly unfortunate faux pas ( "I think I just felt how much you like me.... on my leg"). At the end they have a better understanding of each other and are almost friendly. And, as in the beginning of many great friendships, Samantha hands over her underpants to help a geek out.

In a stroke of movie destiny and plot development, Farmer Ted and Jake Ryan are brought together when Jake finds Ted trapped under a coffee table after a rager of a party. For the second time that night Farmer Ted has a heart to heart and learns that Jake isn't just interested in a pretty faces, but wants a real relationship. Ted shows what a stand up guy he actually has the potential to be and points Jake in Samantha's direction. In what has to be the most uneven trade ever, Jake get Samantha's underpants in exchange for the prom queen and a Rolls Royce.

By this time Samantha's family has finally realized they missed her birthday and it is the perfect time for a cozy chat between father and daughter. As is required of every parent Sam's father assures her, that any guy who doesn't notice her is a dork and not worth her time.

Finally, the big wedding day, and Ginny is trashed on muscle relaxers, but that is okay, this movie is not about her. As many little girls dream, Jake seeks Samantha out at the church to ask her out. They end up back at his house on the table. Jake has returned her underpants and gave Sam the best sweet sixteen ever.

Jake: Happy Birthday Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha: It already came true.

Sigh.

When am I going to find my Jake Ryan? This movie totally ruined me for, you know, actual men. Nobody can stand up to the perfection that is Jake Ryan.

Review:
I love this movie. It is a great example of what a teen movie should be. The parents and kids get along for the most part. It's not too raunchy, or have too much in the way of gross-out humor; yet it is still hilarious. For the most part the main characters aren't acting like idiots. Rather, through fairly sweeping generalizations (much like the sweeping generalizations of this review) the stereotypes portrayed in the movie allow it to be accessible by most everyone. Everyone had the cool kids, the dipshits, the weird foreign kid; we can all relate to the characters in this movie. We have all been there. They allow the simple truths to be brought out. Not everyone is perfect. The heroine of the movie is relatable because she has insecurities. She isn't perfect; she doesn't have some special quality/talent about her just dying to get out with the help of the right teacher/friend/significant other. She is normal; she doesn't stand out too much; she isn't a dork, and while not popular she isn't insignificant. It is a modern day, okay fine, '80s modern day fairy tale.

The beauty of this movie really is in its simplicity. Unlike The Breakfast Club there is no forced drama really. Nobody's parents abuse them. Nobody tried to kill themselves. Nobody beat up another classmate. This is more of a day in the life of a typical teen. Every problem is huge at the time, but in retrospect, they're not really worth getting worked up over.

Sure, maybe in the end everything is wrapped up too neatly. The less than beauty queen sophomore ends up with the hunky senior and the Prom Queen ends up with the freshman geek. But, really, did I watch this movie for the reality? No. I watched this movie for Jake Ryan and it is everything I could want from a movie.

Funny? Check.
Relatable Characters? Check.
Hot Guy? Hummina, hummina...a... check I mean.
Love Story? Check.
Happy ending? Check.
'80s soundtrack? Check.
'80s fashion? Check.
Feathered hair? Check.

See what I mean, it's the perfect movie. I award this movie the highest honor of 5 out of 5 gobbles.

Believe it or not this is actually way shorter than the last one. I totally could have made this longer, I left so much out (almost all of the Long Duk Dong parts). Why couldn't I have had this problem while writing papers in college?